My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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