i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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