New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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