You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
