OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
