I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
is it fun? or sober?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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