I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
