Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
