i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
