I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You're like the curious george of whores
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
