and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
