he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
