You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
