Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
