I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My cat gives me a boner
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
