her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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