Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
