Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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