i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
