wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
