can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
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