i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
