I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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