I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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