I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize