if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
