I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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