It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
