Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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