Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
