Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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