i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
