If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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