This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
