Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
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