im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
