On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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