I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
