We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize