i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
