My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
why do cheetos always look like penises
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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