Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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