I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
