It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
