I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize