Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
