Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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