If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
