If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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