We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Who died my cat blue again?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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