and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
