There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
