Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
