I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
