the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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