The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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