how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize