a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
