Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
