I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
