Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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