Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
