the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
